I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of deep thinking and praying about trying to understand things. For as long as I can remember, I've had the deep desire to be a mother. A mother to multiple children (I'm thinking 5) because I love big families. People who know me fairly well know about my childhood and that I didn't have the greatest upbringing (it wasn't anywhere near the worst either though). I didn't have deep meaningful relationships with my own parents, but that allowed me to develop relationships with other wonderful role models that God placed in my life. That also allowed me to learn later about forgiveness and unconditional love. As an adult I was able to develop relationships with my parents, relationships that lasted until the death of my Dad last Spring and continues with my Mom.

All of this has been influential in my life because it's shaped the type of mother I am. I've been so blessed to be exposed to several motherly and fatherly figures, through church family and parents of my friends and eventually my own parents. God had a plan all along and He used all of the happenings in my life to my good, just as He promised me in the Bible. I can see all of the things I've endured and the people I've loved (and who have loved me) reflected in how I am raising my own child and in other relationships I have. All of this thinking has lead me to more thinking. I've really been struggling with trying to understand why people (parents and non) abuse children. Perhaps not so much why as HOW. I look at Chasten and am engulfed with so much love and I know that I would rather give myself over to harm than allow it to come to him. I've been struggling with trying to figure out how that isn't the same for all parents. Now I know that not all parents planned to have their children when they did (or maybe at all) but I can't fathom how once that little miracle is here on Earth, every new parent isn't simply engulfed with love for this new life.

Furthermore, I have been thinking about how much I love to hear Chasten giggle. Watching him smile and having him reach for me or crawl up in my lap and give me kisses are some of the greatest experiences I've had to date. I love that smile and giggle so much that I'll do anything I can to make it happen. Whether it's making silly faces or dancing (even in public) or Mike's placing a clean diaper on his head to transform into Diapie Man...we love to make him happy. Then I think about how there are some people in the world who find that same sense of enjoyment in hurting children (in whatever capacity). I simply can't understand the sickness of that. I often cry when Chasten cries in pain, it hurts me to see him hurting.

As I've been pondering all of these things I'm reminded once again of God's love for us, His children. That He cares so much for each of us and He also wants to cause us enjoyment rather than pain. That's not to say that everything will always be perfect and without pain; or even that we won't be without discipline. Just as Mike and I are apt to discipline Chasten in order to teach him right from wrong, Christians can also expect to be corrected when we are outside of what God's plan for us is. I feel like so many non-believers point out that any God who would "punish" can not be loving, but I can't understand that reasoning because becoming a parent has so greatly helped me understand God's love for us. As our heavenly Father it's His job to "parent" us in our walks with Him. Not because he's a sadist who enjoys watching us squirm or controlling us (we do have free will, do we not?), but because that's what a parent does. It's necessary to do so when you love your children and want them to grow up and be able to stand independently.

All of this has simply reassured something else I've always felt led to do. Mike and I have discussed this and at some point in the future, I believe we will become foster parents. I have a great desire to be able to show children who have never known true unselfish love, love from someone who doesn't give it because he/she expects something in return, what it means to have someone there for you. I know that fostering children isn't easy nor is it a permanent solution, but I hope that in whatever time period we are in these children's lives we will be able to make a permanent positive impact that they will be able to remember for their entire lives. Unless God leads me to do this sooner, it won't be for several years from now...but I know it's something I am called to do (and Mike was feeling the same thing). I'm so grateful for God's plans, big and small.